?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Aug. 19th, 2010

Faces


One face for the crowd
Another for family
Then one for yourself
Each day wear a different one
Choose the one that pleases the most
Every night put every single one away
Just to spend the night as you
Sometimes its hard to change them
Its oh so tiring trying to prove something to everyone
When all you want inside is to be you
All the way you and have everyone approve
Throw all those other faces away
There is nothing more powerful than to love yourself
Even though its hard
Even if you feel alone
Even if no one understands your quirks
There is no face better than your own


 

Jun. 30th, 2010

Can you feel me


Title: Can you feel me
Author: imperfecttime
Rating: PG-13 (
just to be safe)
Pairing(s): Reid/ Morgan
Warnings: Implied Character death
Summary: Reaching out for love is something that is eternal and will follow into death.





Can you feel me, I've got my finger tips on your lips
There's not a soul in sight
Yet you ignore me
It's like you can't even see me
My fingers ghost across your face
They land on your cheek
Can you feel me now
The night's sounds echo around us
Still you take no notice of me
I'm becoming desperate
With our fingers now laced I kiss each one
Can you feel me now
You must because tears race down your cheeks
The look of utter despair on your face isn't what I wanted to see
Wrapping my arms around you, I'll lend you my support
Can you feel me
At last you look up at me
Through the tears you smile
You whisper "I feel you"
At last I know I have you now and forever
Looking down I can  see I'm slowly fading away
I'll haunt your halls for now and forever
Knowing you can feel me even when I'm gone

Jan. 19th, 2009

Openended letter



This is a letter you'll never get,it will contain all I fail to say from day to day.
Here you can read all the lies and secrets my heart hides.
Go figure I'm not big enough to say these lost things in person,so here it goes.
You inspire me
You make me hate you for the things my heart does
I'd like my heart back from you because you do not want it and I happen to need it
Sure I pretend otherwise in hopes something eventually witll change
It won't
Not when I'm too chicken to say anything and you are so clearly unwilling
The chain I hold around my feelings is breaking and my mask is slipping
It's time to run
It's time to forget everything and start over
If I can't get my heart back from you right away I'll go on without it
Eventually it will grow weary and return to me
Then I'll be able to give it to someone who wants it.
So as it stands I hate and love you all at the same time
You have my heart and are slowly breaking me from the inside out
One thing I wonder about is what made me give you my heart in the first place
Clearly I didnt intend to do it because this whole time I knew
I knew you would not accept it
But hey  I guess my heart figured it would act where I wasn't
Now I'm so royally screwed because it wont come back till it gets an answer
So with that I'll wait for that answer that's bound to never come
Just know I love you with the only heart I've got.

Dec. 9th, 2008

Dancing along the edge of breaking

I'm waiting for something, a sign, a swift kick in the ass. Anything would be fine as long as it gets me out of this rut. The feeling of being a hopeless fuck up looms over me and I can't get rid of it. I'm drowning and boy do i wish I'd figured out how to swim this sea.  I failed the math test I very much needed to pass in order to get me out of this town. Now I've got to wait for a year plus, but what scares me most is that I won't make it through the year. That somewhere inbetween I'll lose myself and no longer care. The chance of that happening is very real and it's terrifying to think that I'll be another has been stuck in a nowhere town. I don't think I can handle that.  Something has to change because this stale mate will eventually break and with it caualties will follow. I guess what I mean is that I need to do something and do it now.

Nov. 23rd, 2008

Dead silence

It's time for me to write again! I don't care what it is, I've got to write something down! It has been way too long since I last wrote something. Maybe the lack of writing has me in a funk. There's this scholarship/contest thing for writing and the deadline is DEC17 and the word limit is 17,000 words.  I want to go for it but it might be insane because I havent even started a story!. Though I'm not too concerned about the word limit, I tend to get lost in my writing once I get into the flow of things. So as a kick start I think I'll slam out a poem!


Dead silence

Silence is all I hear anymore

Everything else is just static

Nothing in life has ever been so amazing and at the same time So horrid

Further and further into the silent darkness I crawl

Searching for something

Something I'm not sure is even there

Does it makes sense for me to go on blindly

I think so because this silence is becoming too much

Emotions are crossing

They're getting lost in the static

The longer this goes on the less I become

Someday I'll reach the end and I'll hear  everything but static

Till then I'll continue on in silence

Sep. 6th, 2008

(no subject)

Ugh it seems the days are melting into one and I keep losing time somewhere in between. There appears to never be enough time for me to get my shit done or maybe it's my lack of planning that screws it up for me. Either way things aren't getting done and it bothers me. What I really need to start doing again is writing because my muse has been nagging at me the last two weeks to get something new written down. I know it's strange now that my muse is back I seem to be too lazy to actually sit down and write something. Well I guess this is writing something....

So it's official I am now a big timer at the taco bell....I get two uniforms! Yah I know nothing to be proud of let alone excited about, but wearing the same uniform all the time is just a wee bit gross. Despite all the washing it is never enough to get it clean. Having two uniforms I can alternate between one nasty set of clothes to the next less nasty set. I guess it also means my boss thinks I'm a keeper.....or maybe I just smell. In other news I'm still waiting for my stupid college letter to come, I'm starting to think the stupid thing won't come at all. That thought alone makes me very sad because that means I have to go to plan B to get out of this damn town. Now that I write this the letter will probably show up just to spite me because of my bitching.

In upsetting news my parents are redoing my brothers room so his floor no longer dips down hella low. But come to find out they thought the door connecting our rooms was not needed, so they tore the fucking thing out. Leaving my freshly painted wall fucked up, well what was left of the of the wall they didn't knock out. Yes that means I've now got a lovely hole in my wall and now all the world can see into my hidey hole.  The OCD fiend in my is throwing a fit and it's making it hard for me to function on a normal level. My weird quirks keep increasing by the day, when  the month is up I'll probably have a mini book of em'. Hmm what other useless shit can I type down here? Oh yes I'll be twenty in about two weeks! Though I'm slightly miffed peter pan stood me up like that. We had a deal and he very well knows it.....guess I'll just have to join Hook's gang to get my revenge on him. That and I've always wanted to wear an eye patch. So I think maybe instead of typing useless stuff down, I'll slam out a poem or something like that. Sound like a plan? Why yes.....yes it does!

Breathe in
Breathe out
Feel that cold chill in the air
I know you can
Now let me tell you what you're feeling
That cold that touches your skin
It's all the pain you've caused
It's those dreams you given up
The chill the creeps through you
That's all the people you left to rot
It's the regrets you've built up
Breathe in
Breathe out
Now let me into your lungs
I'll fill you with things so intense you'll always remeber me
Everything else you feel will just be a memory
What could be better
A gain for you and me
Freedom of consequence for you
Twisted satisfaction for me
What a great team we'll make
We'll make hell feel just like home
So what is there to lose
Breathe in
Breathe out
Take me in
You'll not regret

Jul. 8th, 2008

Inbetween

I'm sick, not on the outside where everyone can see
Oh no, Dear I'm sick on the inside
Inside me resides a cloud of rot
A pit of misery 
A bottomless pit of despair
But the pain of it all thrills me
I hate it but at the same time, I love every bit of it
The harsh dreams and shadows dripping with despair
They all bring me what I lack
But only when I forget how to live do they come to me
It's all a balance
A twisted fate of yin and yang
It's all okay for me to say that I'm sick
But, Dear I'm not supposed to play the part
I'll mask it all up, until the time comes
A time when I break  in the midst of a glorious mess
Honey if I'm going out, I'm going out in a style that will put death to shame
So buckle up, hold on and come along for the ride
Because someone like me promises you a great ride
Dear, I'm sick and not on the outside, No just on the inside




Well that made me feel better than I did moments ago and as to what the hell it means I don't know. I'm not sure yet, but give me an hour or maybe a week and I will have this riddled out. I do know that there is more in those lines than you or I can see with just one glance. Maybe it's all of what's inside coming out and revealing all my secrets to the world. So they can riddle them out, I'm a little scared that might be what actually happened. To think I can write such revealing things in such a manor , without realizing it is a little concerning. Okay the emotional vent fest is over now, we can all go home now.

Jun. 18th, 2008

Pikachu is sleeping with Ash's mom and I've got facts to prove it!

So these last three days have been pretty much consumed with planning my Step uncles funeral and things of the like.... Though I'm not to entirely sure it has been three days. It may have been less, I'm running on disjointed sleep. So not much of what is going on in my head makes any kind of sense. Today at the viewing I saw my first dead body and it was all completely bizarre. He looked all waxy and stuffed for a lack of a better word. The whole thing was surreal and it felt as if I wasn't there at all, like I was seeing it from a dream or something along those lines. It'll forever be burned into my mind, but what bothers me slightly is that I was not upset about the whole thing myself, but I was upset because others were. Am I just that far gone I can't bring myself to get upset about it?  No that's not right because later on in the day I did have a lovely crying spur and for all the right reasons. Maybe it's because I think crying is weak or something, maybe I'll just put it down to my inability to filter my emotions properly. After the funeral I ditched out on the family bbq because I felt I could not emotionally handle the stress of that situation. All the sorrow and tears. I channel other peoples emotions and feel them as my own, so signing myself up for something like that would have been dumb on my part. It's amazing how easy things like this trickle in when you don't sleep properly.

Anyways in favor of going to the family get together I went and hung out with my friend joe. He's like my sunshine, who filters away all the bad. I know it's weird, but I can't help but feel happy when I'm around him. Which allows room for me to make a blundering idiot out of myself around him. Though I think he's got a staring problem....He stares at me all the time! Makes me nervous, then I act even odder and the situation gets all kinds of awkward from there. So as I was bumming around his shop my mood improved immensely, then I got sick and had to leave in a quest for food. That led me to my place of work ( Taco bell) and from there home to abuse the internet in the quiet of an empty house. Much loud music was blasted through these tiny computer speakers and tons of nothing was accomplished. Well I finally did manage to grab a shower....it feels so good to be clean!

On to other nerd topics I'm no so epicly lame I've bought the pokemon theme song off of ITUNES because I just had the urge to hear the song. Well after just a listen of it on you tube, well that's when I went to ITUNES to buy said song, so I could nerd out to the song whenever I damn well pleased. I think I like the song more than the show. Though watching the show and adding highly inappropriate comments to the dialog is great fun too. Oh while watching one of these movies a great discovery happened. Here is the conversation and scene. 

So my brother and I are sitting on the couch adding tastefully lame jokes to the movie and having a great old time. Then we get quite for a bit and watch the pokedorks do their thing. The movie I believe was the curse of the unknown or something like that. Anyways. there's this one part where Ash's mom shows up in the town greenfield (I'm a town in the pokemon world! well in the real world too but still!) So she greets everyone and pikachu runs up to her and hugs her. She exclaims with much excitement " PIKACHU!" Ash then proceeds to say " Hi mom!" she returns with " Oh hey ash"..... at this point Austin and I are laughing at her lack of love for her son. So the scene is going on quite innocently....or so I thought, thats when my brother pops off with this statement.
" What is pikachu doing?"

" What do you mean?" He giggles and this makes me even more curious " You want me to rewind it to see what the hell the pika rat is doing?"

" Yah!" So I rewind it back so far and we watch Ash's mom fail to greet her son like she did pikachu. By this point we think somethings up and have come to the conclusion she's got a thing for pikachu.....little did we know it wasn't onesided. " Okay Emily watch when she stands up with pikachu in her arms." 

" Ok" So we watch on. ".......OMG PIKACHU WAS JUST RUBBING ASH'S MOM'S BOOBS WITH HIS CHEEKS! And with no abandon!' My brother laughs 

" Yah I know" More laughing by him.

" Pikachu's a pimp" I proclaim and then we continue on watching the movie, all the while looking out for more poke perversion. We've decided to go through all his pokemon movies and watch them to see who else pikachu feels up, unknowingly. The whole thing still boggles my mind

May. 27th, 2008

(no subject)

I'm in the mood to do something, be it something self destructive or productive. Though my ever growing bad mood is keeping me from venturing out into the outside world. It would do me no good to go out piss someone off. Though it'd make me feel ten times better, I only say this because the constant pain in my face has made me a little more than irritable and slightly vindictive. I've been in the mood to start shit and cause pain something fairly new to me. I've got a whole whopping three hours till I go to work.... Can you feel the joy seeping from me. Now lets jump subjects!
 
Sinking down into a little black hole and letting everything wash over me is becoming highly tempting. I can't find a proper way to voice how I feel. Sure I can use a few words to sum it up, but even those don't come close to explaining it in the right light.

Misery
Lost
Despair
Hopeless
Anger
Broken
Confused
Quiting
Happiness

Someone please just lift this veil of darkness and help me find my way because I can't do it alone. I was wrong to ever think I could. It's time to rework this masterpiece I've created and trade it in for one that fits, one that won't slowly drive me over the edge. As I write I keep thinking about Poe, van gogh and other people of the like. I wonder will that be what my life is headed for? Just some controlled form of chaos and craziness. Will the people I love let me slip so far into my own world, that the real one around me will no longer exist to me. I guess what I really fear is being trapped  in my head and not really caring. Or not caring that I could no longer function as a proper member of society. Maybe these thoughts are really what have me worried. But if they are, where does that leave me and my future? I want to be a writer, I want to create worlds and people so amazing and brilliant that they stay with you for years to come. I guess I'll have to make a choice and sacrifice something inside me because nothing is handed to you for free. Or maybe I could find some balance in between the two.... 

Scratch that I think I just don't care anymore
I'll surrender and see where fate's plans take me and if it ends in a black cloud of misery and pain, then so be it. I'll take what I get and not think twice about it and not care about the consequences. It's time to play the puppet master with my emotions and bring out a whole new box of masks. If I'm going for the gusto, I'm going to do it with as much passion and flare I can muster. If I'm going to join this game I'm going to do it on my own terms and make it an interesting one.I feel it'll be easier to handle or deal with now that I've come to a decided path. One I can't waver from once I start because if I do, that will be the end. I hope my friends (caitlin in particular) don't think me stupid because of this or maybe I do. Maybe a smack in the head will clear it, but just so you know I intend no harm and don't want to upset anyone. It's something I've got to do and I know it sounds all dramatic and self destructive, but the way my mind has pictured it, it isn't. So I'll hope you'll trust me in this and allow me to try and if I fail you can say " I told you so you fucking idiot." But for now lets just try it this way and see where that leaves me. Hopefully with a better grasp on my life and better understanding of myself.

May. 26th, 2008

There's something i wanted to say

There's something I wanted to say but I wasn't quite sure how to go about  it
So I just sat there and waited 
Then the chance passed me by 
It was all too late
I'd blown my one shot 
Now I'm lost and I'm not quite sure how to go on
Simple functions are never that simple anymore
The monsters within are now at war 
Fighting to get to the surface
There's something I wanted to say but I'm not quite sure how to say it
I've told you lies left and right 
I've pretended for all our sakes
Now I'm broken
I'm going to war and there can only be one casualty
I keep letting the chances slip by 
So there's something I wanted to say and I finally think I'm ready to say it
There's something that's brought me around